EGO ISSUES

I’m quite an egoist. And i never had any issue with my pride before. Well, maybe i had. But none as serious as this. So, yeah. I’ve been rejected by a guy that i like. Sure, my pride hurts but what could i expect right? In fact, i should expect less. The thing is, I’m a stubbornly loyal girl. Forget about my ex – that’s a different story. So stubborn that it’s making things oxymoronic. For me, stubborness is one of the essences to my pride recipe. And now, stubbornly waiting for something that I should expected less has becoming an addition to the injury.
My f**king pride.
Should I give up just because of my pride? Give up chasing after him, I mean. I dont know what’s so striking about him, which drives me to the point of perhaps 35% madness. Sure, he’s still has his childish side and whatnot. Other than that, his personality is 20% to flawlessness. I’m not judging or condemning him, but you get what i mean. Princes charming is what the world cant handle today, and so does the so-called ideal guys. And this guy happens to be almost one of the types. I love the way his gentleness and kindness drop subtlety along the way. The way he notices even small things. The way he prefer to look at the best points in people and having fait in them. I dont care if he has many weaknesses. I mean, people can change. I believe that.
SIGH.
I dont know what Im rambling about but I’m just typing whatever’s crossing my mind right now. (Yeah, ~all i want is a little piece of heaven~ cun na juak lagu cascada ya). He’s the first guy to make me spill so much tears before (other than my dad) and... I’m not sure if it’s a good thing. If he has the tendency to make me suffer that much, perhaps I should stay longer and observe more of what’s going to happen next. Perhaps the tears will worth my waiting. Yeah. I’m a masochist by the way. LOL
I chatted with ‘Ed’ 2 days ago. Talking to him made my burden lighter. I thank God for providing me such a good listener. I realized why I flirted around with guys. Is it about problems of having commitment to a stable relationship, or am I just playing around, hoping to get a rebound so I can get out off this rut, perhaps forgetting for a little while that I’m still hanging on a thread? I’m sorry, Ed, if you happen to read this. Who knows you will feel at least a bit hurt upon reading this. Flirting without any strings attached isnt what I did unto you. Even if you feel that I did so, i’m truly sorry.
My pride hurts again because I let myself to be bothered so much about this trivial stuffs. Lovey-dovey things, i mean. But... love isnt trivial stuffs rite? Through relationships, no matter how puppy-lovey they were, we surely learnt something from them. So... it’s not wrong to think too much about this lovey thingy? Perhaps I should get rid a little of my ego and focuz on humility instead, XD. It’s becoming a pain on the ass already.
Help me. I dont know if I should wait around for a full redlight (perhaps I should assume of getting one right now) from him. I want my heart back, ‘Dan’. If it’s greenlight, I’ll wait. If it’s not... well, I dont expect much to happen (who am I anyway) so I guess I can rebound back to my normal self within weeks.